Still Believing.

It’s so easy to doubt, why not start believing in something? Something that I’ve been praying for for the longest time. Sometimes when things go right, I start to wonder if something bad is around the corner. Someone told me recently that apparently, she thinks I’m a champion. Hehe. She had a conversation with me regarding my messed-up childhood which I always choose not to talk about. And somehow our conversation led to where I am today. To me, there’s a lot more to be done, a lot more heartbreaks, a lot more joy. A lot more self-discovery and a WHOLE lot more of in-depth relationship with my God. I’m not done. I dont think someone can ever be done. Growing up, I was this mean lil kid that tried to inflict as much hurt as I could on other people. Why? Coz that was my deffense..and coz Those kids had something I never had. A Dad. Well yes, now he is back..true..but those lost years will always remain empty, right? I grew up in a home which there was so much love but it just didnt get channeled well enough. My mum had it rough, and Me being young and naughty didnt help either. Looking back, I remember thinking why God punished me..why did he/she get it good..why not me? God decided to throw in a few good people in my life and my Mum’s. There were the good neighbours..who rushed over everytime I got hit by Mum due to her stress, there were the friends at school who were told by their parents that they HAD to be extra nice to me…coz I was ‘special’, there were the church community that prayed for us…and then there was this lil boy that decided he was going to be nice to me anyway. Through all these shining stars, I am where I am today.

For someone who knows me well enough, you know that I’ll never ever come clean about my past, right? Well, being 25, Ive decided to come clean. I’m not ashamed of it, coz the very same God that I thought ‘punished’ me..is in fact the ONLY source of strenght and heck, He loves Me like crazy..Crazy, I tell you. I remember watching things happen at home..I used to run and hide at that corner and pray that I could vanish and shut the drama out. I used to cry myself to sleep..imagine being 4 and you see a whole lotta shit happening at a place where there’s suppose to be love. As I grew up, I swear there must have been an angel holding me at all those times when I felt I was alone. I swear I had God literally standing as my shield guarding me. It’s comforting to think so, isnt it?

After my dad left, things still remained a whole lot messed up at home but it eventually got better. My mum started opening up to me..and she stopped blaming herself and me for all the damage done. I never doubted that woman..NEVER. She is one effing strong woman..If you think I am..well, meet my Mum..she brought me up and that is the most hardest thing she ever did. Now, things are a whole lot better. I am in talking terms with my dad and there are times we even share jokes. Its not easy believe me..It will never be. But Im glad to say that I decided to forgive and maybe…just maybe try to forget. I’m glad he is still my dad, eventhough screwed up as things may seem, he helped bring me to the world. So yea.

Two years ago, I was approached by someone religious. She told me that I needed to let go of my past, I needed to get rid of that ‘lil Beverlyn’ deep inside which was still very hurt by the past. Unwillingly, I decided to give this session a try. The first day…I broke. I was brought back to relive the hurt, the pain that that lil 5-yr old me once went thru. I was brought back to witness whatever I did, to hear the screams, to see myself crouching down and crying. And then , she made me walk up to this kid….and hug this lil Me…comforting this kid that everything will be ok. That everything will be mended,that the Beverlyn today will be shed of her insecurities. That whole process basically just tormented me, it really really broke me. At that same time, I fell in love, thinking that it was meant to be. God had/has other plans. HE got rid of that relationship and put my heart on a rest mode. The status must have read *Flushing-out mode*. It took me almost a year and a half to completely get over the hurts from the past. I have screwed up many relationships..be in with a special someone, friends or family, due to the past..and the insecurities I felt.

I will not say that I have COMPLETELY gotten rid of every baggage..or neither will I say that I will never get rid of it. The key here is Time..and most importantly GOD. God took away things I thought I wanted so badly in order to prepare me for bigger wonderful promises. He took many people away, knowing that I might stumble or fall in their presence. And even brought back a few to work miracles. He told me to BELIEVE, and that, I shall. I’m blessed, every breath I take is a blessing, for I did not stray and will forever remain close to my Creator, My refuge, My strenght. He took away all my past and sprinkled gold on it to make it that much better, He made me who I am today to give back and in turn help the many who silently struggle as I once did. I wrote this, only coz I feel the need to tell you that whatever you may have gone through and/or will go through, always remember that there is a GOD who listens. He doesnt fight back, he doesnt argue, but he listens. You may think your not worthy, but you are wrong, coz He put you here coz you are amazing and He enriches your life through HIS promises. AND those my friends, are the type that will NEVER fail. Believe, and His blessings will come to you, taking away all ur hurt, all ur sorrows.

This was not easy to type-my most heartfelt and raw-est post. It took a lot to actually try to even do this, so I would appreciate if you kept your NEGATIVE comments to yourself. It’s ok if you don’t believe.