Questions keep clouding my mind. Every time! I always wonder if I’ll ever learn to be contented! If I’ll ever learn to live life how I made it to be. How I chose certain things…I wonder if I’m at peace with myself.

  God has blest me abundantly. He helps me thru days I feel like a failure, He helps me thru days I feel alone, He helps me wipe those silent tears, He helps me live each day with a smile on my face, eventhough my heart’s not at ease.

  Everyday, I wake up and decide what mask to put on. Should I finally give in to those feelings? Or should I just keep pushing it aside? God has a funny way of teaching me things, and all that has made me ME. I wonder if I’m even thought about, I live thru the day knowing that I am loved. Sometimes feeling totally invisible, sometimes feeling exposed. I do hope you end up hating me for all this. I do hope you understand who I am and what I’ve become. I hope that you stop judging me and take the time to ask me if I’m alright, because for now, I don’t quite seem to know what’s wrong.

  I keep praying for you, before I sleep, you’re all I think about, when I wake up, you’re all I think about. Wondering and hoping that the new day will bring a new hope. Well, God made all this happen, I do have faith that He will not just take it away from me. Remember, I think about you, even when it seems that I don’t care! Life is too short to be this way.

  I never really got a chance to blog about a certain death in the family, due to all the sudden dramas in life. So, here I am, half drowzy, wanting so badly to express how I feel about the 3 sudden deaths that have come my way.

  Last week, as I sat on a beach chair happily enjoying the sun,sea and all that, I received a call from my mum, But did’nt pick it up, coz I was out of credit and since it’s roaming, the credit is deducted..(something like that la). So mum called Dez, and as soon as she answered the call..she was her happy,excited self. I sat there watching Dez face change all of sudden. I dont knw why, But I instantly thought something had happened to Grandpa. Then I found out that Uncle Steve passed away. For that brief moment, I felt everything was at a stand still and that every part of me was in shock. Just before I left to Bali, I had spoke to Aunty Bell, and we were talking about Uncle Steve’s health. She informed me that he was goin in for his chemo and that he’s fine, but just finding it hard to eat. I advised her on a few things to do, as in how to handle him after chemo and what not. So, in my mind, and from the news I’ve been getting, Uncle Steve was doing fine. And then I get this news…..that he passed away from a secondary infection, pneumonia on the 17th of June, a day before my bday.

  Mum told me that Aunty Bell wants to talk to me a.s.a.p and that everything back home was crazy as the family was deciding on who should fly to London and all that. As soon as I reached, I called her..and as expected, she cried as she related to me what had happened. I sat there at the airport, few minutes before my 23rd bday, crying with my Aunty who was on the other side of the world all alone, as she had lost a man so important to her. My heart goes out to her, and I’m filled with frustration to realize that her marriage was cut short by this. As I got home, she called again, and tearfully wished me, saying that Uncle Steve wanted me to come visit them end of this year. I regret not getting to know him..for I heard many wonderful things about this special man that carved a place in my aunt’s heart.

  I will never forget last Christmas, as Grandma handed me a letter together with an Xmas card. It was addressed to my grandparents and the rest of us. Uncle Steve had given it to Aunty Bell before she flew back and made her promise that she will give it to grandma and grandpa w/o reading it. As I read that, I only wished that I would someday find a guy just like that…or even half as good as him. In his letter, he thanked my grandparents for raising such a wonderful daughter and he mentioned all the amazing things he and aunty have gone through together. I was very proud of my aunt as she put him first and then the rest of her life fell into place. It was like I was a witness to a remarkable love story. It was a beautiful letter with many other very touching details of their life together.

  I also remember having grown-up conversations with aunty as she told me how important it is to find the right person in life. I’ll never forget how she beamed at me as she told me that…she also added that it didnt matter how old u get, as long as ur happy with what God has promised you. We have been calling her for the past few days. I’m glad that Aunty Tina flew in on my birthday to be with Aunty Bell. Alex Mama, Bridget Atthai and lil Glow flew in to London on Monday. At least she had some support from the family,physically.

  Aunty Bell has taught me many things, but one thing that stands out the most…is her strenght and perserverance. She called earlier today and told US to be strong and that she is fine and everything will go on well. The funeral was TODAY. It’s probably goin on right now as I type this. I feel lost for words. All I want to say is, Uncle Steve..Thank you for bringing so much joy into Aunty’s life and to all of us too. We never got to meet you, but somehow it feels like we know you so well. Thank you for the smiles that you put on her face, thank you for becoming her knight, thank you for telling her that YOU loved her very much as your last words to her. She told me that she will never forget how you struggled to utter those words, as you were gasping for air. Thank you for allowing us to know you as the man that lighted up her life. Rest in peace, Uncle Steve! We love you so much! Don’t worry about “Christy”, she’ll be fine and will always remember what you mean to her!

*’christy’ was his name for my aunt*

  On another note, The church of St. Joseph’s lost a remarkable character today. It came as another shock to me as I got a call while I was in class today saying that Uncle Pragasam, who happens to be one of my friend’s dad..who also happens to be my relative, passed away today. He died in an accident of a hit-and-run case. We went over to the house just now, and…..well, let’s just say it was pretty bad la. I managed to speak to Dalshana for awhile. It’ s very tragic and we just lost another colorful character from our church.

  The whole world mourns another death today…MICHAEL JACKSON. When I heard this news from Kevin this morning, I thought it was a hoax..I mean, Ive heard that a few times. But as I tuned in to Hitz, my fears were confirmed. I’m still in shock,it’s all so hard to believe. I mean, it never crossed my mind that MJ will leave us so soon. He kinda seemed  immortal to me, u know? Seriously, he is the King of Pop, I grew up listening to him. Memories of old, I remember how Me, Dez and Camille used to listen to him and copy his dance moves, I think it was Joe Mama’s wedding..

  Anyway, I spent my whole day paying tribute to MJ. I decided to light a candle for  the 3 amazing men that has left this world in the last few days. I realized again today, that life is too short to stay mad at someone. Yes, Im hurt by a lot of things, but I’m gonna try to find the strenght to forgive.

*May the souls of all these 3 men rest in peace, they were gifts to many people in their own different ways. Now as they leave this world, may their legacy and love live on. Eternal rest grant unto them O Lord*

 

  How bout U quit putting on that mask and just leave? How about U step away from me, so that u dont need to pretend anymore? I wish I could just sit you down and tell u off…Look, If u think I need you..you’re very wrong. So just…get lost! I keep telling you, we all wear masks, but I guess, you haven’t worn yours well enough, coz I can see those cracks that hide beneath it. This is it..I’ve tried so hard to make it work, but no such luck. This is me..I keep trying, but If u dont comply to it..then whats the point? Seriously,I’ve had enough of all this mess. The dramas, the-so-called talks, the way you make use of me…only when u need something to be done. Look, let me explain something to you, once upon a time, u mattered a lot to me..but as time goes by, I’m breaking all ties and I’m letting go. Coz I don’t wanna wake up someday and hate the sight of you! So, just leave me….no wait, since you wouldn’t even bother doing that…I’ll leave!

 

  Today was a fun day, didnt go in for work, decided to stay at home and clean my messed up cupboard! I finally did it, now with the moving and all that. Found so many ‘long-lost’ tops that I once bought..and conviniently forgot about it. Then, spent time with Mum, things were good. Me and Mum, laughing and joking about random stuffs. Nice! Just realised how good it feels to able to sit and share and laugh with her.

  Had tea, then got ready to head out to meet the lovely gals..my ex-schoolmates! Grace and Jeanette! It was so much, as we sat in Oldtown,talking about life,reminiscing about our high school days…and planning for the future! Had a very long chat with them and enjoyed myself. The drive home was great as well, Grace and me had sum very in-depth conversation. After that, picke mum up from Sharon’s place, then watched some tv..and decided to pack..Mum helped to iron my clothes.. Finally done with packing. Oh, somehow, as I was cleaning my cupboard today, ‘rumballs’ texted me…(which reallllly took me by suprise) and decided that he wanted to meet up soon..so…yeah! I dont really know…maybe I’ll go..not too sure..

  Anyway, tomorrow’s a long day, gotta wake up early and send ‘ Trooper’ for servicing, then head to town..Goin to PS boutique to buy shades for Dez. , then threading and lunch with Balvin..and some shopping in MV..(tho, I’m broke)..then head back and need to attend Sharon’s bachelorette party..( I’m not really sure if I want to go)…and then come home to finalise the packing and stuffs..

*ohh..which reminds me..I need to buy Twisties for Dez..she is having a craving for it..sigh!*

-Was a great day..still very puzzled about rumballs tho..lol-

  It’s freaking 2.53a.m and I can’t sleep. Damn..and its getting hotter and hotter in here! Maybe the excitement is kicking in….but then again, maybe it was just a polite gesture???? Aiya, let’s try not to get too excited…got double positive signs. hehehe…ahh…bliss!

*maybe I shud go take a shower for the 5th time today??…Its so damn hot!..arrghh..kill me!*

-no wait,not just yet..I wanna see how far this goes..and how long will I be a chicken..-

   Damn..I so badly wanna club! I’ve been wanting to even before I began my finals. So bored at home today, just sat watching tv the whole damn time..watched movies after movies…life-less…yes, I’m very much aware of that. I complain all the time, when I have too much to do..and also when I have nothing to do…haih. Pretty much bored…maybe I’ll start packing?? Yeah, i guess I will..instead of rambling around here…maybe I’ll pack up the things. Fine, Im just damn bored!

  Well, since it’s the birthday soon…I decided to be a little more enthusiatic by creating a wish list la..tho not many will bother reading it..heheh..self-satisfaction-thingy.

1. For things to be fine

2. DKNY Be delicious

3. i-phone ( a nice black one)

4. money

5. clothes

6. mani and pedi

7. good results ( the results come out on the birthday..sigh)

8. a night out

9. contentment

*see..I’m so easy to please..wait, who am I kidding..heheh*

   Well, I wanted a vacation and now I got it. Leaving to Bali next week, hopefully to have fun and forget all the recent dramas in life..but then again, my life is filled with drama. I miss des, cant wait to talk to her. It always good to pour out ur innermost feelings to someone who means a hell lot to you.

   Recently, there has been too much changes in life, simple things that have carved a place in my heart. Things that I keep beating myself about, wondering why this..and not that…why me and not him/her…why now and not then….why..why..why. I dont think I’ll ever stop questioning myself. I guess I’ve reached a point where I just wanna scream and walk away, but it’s too late. Some people may view things differently as I do, but then again, blame me if I choose to care. There are a lot of times when I have to stop myself for saying things, and also there are times when I wonder why I dont say anything at all.

  I dont view my life as messed up, I just think I need to handle it differently. Maybe learn from my lessons, learn the hard way, Heck, that’s the only way I have been learning. Being strong never comes easy, u just gotta hang in there,right? And there are also times when u have to withdraw from a lot of things, attachments…maybe. Sometimes giving too much is not a good thing. It may not be appreciated or even known….so it all boils down to the way u feel when u put your head down to sleep and think about the whole day…that’s when u actually ask urself..are u happy? what have I done wrong?

  Yes, I am happy..but not satisfied. Period. So, maybe the vacation will do me good. Sitting by the beach, enjoying the company…and doing some deep thinking and self evaluation..(yes..big word)..lol.