I woke up on Saturday with a song in my head…(thanx to Auggy for introducing me to it)..Sempurna from Andra n the backbone. So as usual, I got ready for work..left a little early and had a good day. I was a little excited coz I was gonna hang out with the girls. Jo, Charissa, Rebecca and me planned to watch a movie, any movie as long as we met up. So after work, me n Becca made our way to Mid Valley. We met The girls and then had debate on which movie to watch. Finally, Ms.Jo came up with a fabulous idea to walk up to the Gold-Class counter and try our luck to get normal tickets to watch Wall-E which was about to begin that time. It was hillarious, how she dragged me n Charissa over to the counter, and gave her widest smile to the poor indian boy and we kept disturbing him..asking him to give us good seats and all that. It worked-for a bit that is…then he told us that there were 4 seats available but in 4 different location. So, finally, we waved good bye to him..(we made his day la) and got Becca to get in the movie line and settled to watch ‘Fogetting Sarah Marshall’.

   After getting the tickets, we had lunch in Burger King and shared some girl-talk.LOL. Hillarious. Oh, then snapped loads of pictures. Yup, we were just being ourselves. It was time to watch the movie so we headed in, took our seats and were already excited. Ok, for all of u that did not watch this movie yet……I reckon u go watch it! It’s damn funny ok…..I mean I haven’t laughed that hard in the longest time. OMG!!!! Seriously good movie.

 Later, we headed to meet Stephanie and made a scene in Paddington’s..hehehe. Oh, and what came after that was the most exciting part. Since Jo was DYING to have tea…(sigh!) ….we decided to have some doughnuts first. We went to the Big Apple Doughnuts, and I must add that I’m really impressed with the concept of getting more customers. Well u see, U’ve obviously gotta get in line and then its like u watch them making the doughnuts and ur mouth is already watering..yummmmm!!! So, by the time it’s your turn to purchase..u’r like..mmmm.lol.  We headed to Nirvana’s for dinner after that, and continued our girl-talk.

  It was a good day, as its been awhile since the girls met up and did sumthing nice. Oh, I must add that Charissa gave in to peer pressure and pierced her ears. She so wanted to get it done after Rebecca and me did it last week, so yes…now she’s got it too. And, the movie really made me laugh so hard that I had tears. LOL. It was good to take my mind off things…and I must say that now I’m so much more relaxed. So, I would like to thank the beautiful ladies that made my Saturday awesome. Thanks girls, U all helped me in many ways that u may never know. Though some of u are clueless on what’s going on, I do know that I have wonderful people in life to make me feel good tho they may not even know it.

Looking forward to more feel good times….Hopefully the Merdeka-eve thing works out!!

Oh, and I’m getting a new tat soon…Can’t wait!!

Listen,
To the song here in my heart
A melody I’ve start
But can’t complete

Listen, to the sound from deep within
It’s only beginning
To find release

Oh,
the time has come
for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own
all cause you won’t
Listen….

[Chorus]
Listen,
I am alone at a crossroads
I’m not at home, in my own home
And I tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Oh,
Now I’m done believing you
You don’t know what I’m feeling
I’m more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice
you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..

You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I’d thought had died
So long ago

Oh I’m screaming out, for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside or worse
Into your own
All cause you won’t
Listen…

[Chorus]

I don’t know where I belong
But I’ll be moving on
If you don’t….
If you won’t….

LISTEN!!!…
To the song here in my heart
A melody I’ve start
But I will complete

Oh,
Now I’m done believing you
You don’t know what I’m feeling
I’m more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice, you think you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..
my own…

  It’s sickening to be emo all the time, I mean, it’s like I’ve come to a point where I’m shutting everything out. It started today, when I decided that I’ve had enough from someone. This has happened many times before and when I shut someone out…then that’s like the end la. So what if I’ve changed? So what if I’m not who you think I am? Why do u keep asking me things that you already know the answers too? Why do u keep ignoring the fact? Why do u keep running away from what there was? All this gotta stop coz it’s totally draining the life outta me. I’ve had enough. Stop using people to get to me. Stop telling me that I’m moving away from you. I’m not..you’re just paranoid!. You’re just too………forget it. I don’t even know why I bother. You keep doing this everyday. So much so that I’m just so sick of everything.

  Even if I dont see you, you’re just constantly haunting me. I cannot do this. I cannot wake up everyday and put a mask. I can’t pretend to be happy when I’m clearly not. I can’t just allow you to say things that you dont mean. I just can’t allow you to invade my life.  You got me at my most vunerable moment. Hopefully that this will all fade away. Hopefully you will stop this. Hopefully I will recover. Hopefully you won’t haunt me everyday. Hopefully I’ll have the strenght to go on. I’m tired of putting a mask on just for you everyday. I’m tired of being so unhappy. I want to be me..so let me!

  WHAT a day…damn tiring!!! I’m basically tired every damn day now since I started working. One of the good things today was looking at the SOC pics..dam cun ah!!! heheh..laughed at most of it!! Thanx for all the fun ppl!

  Neway, I miss my Dezzo. Like seriously, Right now, I feel the only person I can talk to is her. I can actually open up to her and tell her the things that I’ve been keeping inside me. Though I’m freaking tired, I just wanted to blog. I know that at least Dez would definitely read this..and yeah….she knows how I feel. thanx Dez. Never knew that we would be this close. It’s good to have someone in our weird family that I can talk to, go crying to and have loads of fun with. Ur call yesterday just made me feel absolutely wonderful. I should so come there. Like really!! Camille kinda convinced me to look at Canada as an option. Sigh, wish it was that simple.

  There are loads of times that I’ve picked up the phone to call you but then realize that the timing is just not right. I do know that you are there for me. I do know that eventhough I feel so alone, I can always come to you. Distance is a major issue right now…but we still will get in touch. Just hearing ur voice comforts me. Even in Aussie, everytime I looked at the Canadian flag, I thought of you. Yes, I know this is all very cliche..lol..but I just wanna let u know that You are appreciated. And all the love is well received. Wish you were here, then maybe I would feel less confused, less annoyed with myself, less hurt,less stupid.

  Nothing seems right now, everything seems very blury. But I do now that no matter what happens, you have my back. I have my family to run too! Damn, I miss u la Crazyface!! I constantly feel betrayed, I constantly feel skeptical and I feel like I’m growing apart. Wish u were here to take it all away.

  Ok, enuff emo shit! Gotta stop crapping…gotta take charge. Im so Freaking sleepy that I’m just crapping. Tc Dez, only God’s knows how much I miss you. And I juat wanna say that….I freaking love you!!! U deserve this post..tho its very cliche and emo..lol. Thanx for being there thru the hard times and being there thru all the fun and wild moments. Desiree Mathews, Thanx for being the family that I can turn to.

*oh shit..I’m actually tearing..damn..emoness…hate it!!*

Stop making Me seem like the bad one,

Stop twisting the stories,

Stop telling them things just to get your way,

Stop confusing her,

Stop getting her all worked up about it,

Stop making ME seem like a liar that I’m not, and never will be,

Stop trying to deny facts.

Stop pretending.

*It’s good to know that u ACTUALLY read my blogs. Now you’ll know what I mean.*

  The week after the World Youth Day, and Sydney was still in a hype. I was totally missing home right after I said good bye to Nick and the rest. The Malaysian travelled to Melbourne for a short trip and then a flight back home. I on ther other hand had one more week. To me those few days seemed like forever. It’s not that I didnt like being there or anything like that, But i just really really missed home. It just did it after I bid farewell to Nick at Randwick.

  On Monday, the whole group decided to head down to the famous Bondi Beach. Ok, this got me really excited despite the homesick-ness that I felt. So, I happily headed down to the beach…scanning the beach for hot-looking people..hehe. Yup, I did see some good stuffs…and yes..I did chat with so many pilgrims from US, Canada and Germany. We all just sat by the icy cold water and chatted bout our experiences. Then after lunch, I excused myself from Lawrence, Anil and rest of the group for some nice time alone. You see, Im a beach-person..and everytime I’m at the beach, I love to spend time on my own. So, In the freezing cold, i took off my shoes..buried my feet in the cold cold sand, got a breather and called someone I really really missed…and the moment I heard that voice…I was ready to fly the next plane home. I called Rebecca, and we chatted for what seemed like a good half an hour. I just had to talk to her after all that awesome experience in Randwick, meeting the Pope and all my other stories. I described what I was looking at..the scenery, the smell of the sea, the ships…and wind in my face. It was a mixed emotion call, but it left my very very happy..and completely zero credit…heheh.

  The next day was time for the St. Jean of Vianney community to evangelise, and the thought of that really scared me..(all the more I wanted to come home)…but I knew that I had to reach out and do something after my wonderful experience. Apparently I was very hyped up about the whole idea, and after some sharing by a lady that was helping us evangelise..we were taken to a place in the eastern Sydney, Erskinville. I don’t mean to degrade or anything…..but OMG…the people here were so……ummm…different. Really really different from all the Sydney folks. We just completely ignored by them…they walked passed us as if we were stinking rotten corpse. Im serious. Well, you see, we were told to just greet a person on the street..no need to preach..no need to come on too strong. So thats what we did, we just smiled and said Hello…but..hell no..these people didnt wanna have anything to do with us. I mean, Ive never ever experienced rejection in that way…It was so harsh. Later in the evening, I had a talk with Anil..I was telling him how tough it was for me to look at a stranger and then just get rejected..and I was also sharing with him about a lot of things that had happened to me in the last week. All he did was to tell me and make me realize me purpose of being there. He told me to imagine the amount of rejection the Jesus felt when he would have walked the streets with a cross and nothing much to wear. That just did it…after that conversation, we had a vigil and almost like a sign, I was chosen to do the Gospel reading. The reading was about the Samaritan woman at the well. When the vigil started, I decided to lift everything to the Lord, I felt I had a purpose to be there and I needed the strength to do what He wanted me to do. The Blessed Sacrament was laid out before us and we were given the oppurtunity to pray near the tabernacle and write out intentions before taking cards which had gospel messages on it. So after writting an intention, I prayed, took the card and went back to my place. I didnt want to read it just yet..so I kept it and continued praying. When I finally read the message…it said…’Fear not, For I am with you, You have been chosen to do my will, I will lead you, though You sometimes feel alone’. I tell you, when I read this………whoa…I felt like..He practically reached down and said that to me. It felt so real..It felt so good to be reassured. After that day, I felt that nothing else mattered, that no matter how alone I feel, how many times I fall, I will never take my sight of the cross.

  So, the next day, we went to a place called Kings Cross..apparently the red light district of Sydney. We spent the afternoon in a Hospis…and I really had fun singing and entertaining the old people there. They were so beautiful, eventhough they were really old and sick..but there was something about them that makes u just wanna hug them. Later that day, we headed to a park to hand out Gospel Cookies and roses to the homeless. It was a really good feeling to be able to put a huge smile on peoples face just as u hand them a rose. I handed a rose to an old woman, as she was walking towards me..I somehow felt that she was having a very hard day, so I just handed her a rose..and her face lit up. It was on of the most beautiful smile that I’ve ever seen. I told her that she was welcomed to join us in the vigil that evening and she said that she would come. I even handed out roses to prostitutes and they actually came dressed so well for the vigil that evening. That night, I slept so well, with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. It was good.

  By this time, I didnt miss home that much already. I know that I was doing something really worthwhile and I loved it. I was also gald because that meant I could finally begin shopping very soon. Hehe. But apparently, God wasnt on my side on this one…coz it freaking rained very day la…..it was so heavy k…ish. Then Anil reminded me that we actually prayed for rain during the Final Mass with the Pope as requested by the Archbishop of Australia ( because certain parts of Aussie are facing draught). Yeah, next time we gotta be careful what we pray for..and specifically pray for rain in the draught land only…haih!!! So, I woke up feeling excited about shopping…but all I saw outside my window was rain. Then Anil called me and told me that his host family invited me to follow them to the Blue Mountains. We were actually escaping the rain coz it wasnt raining there. It was a 2 hour drive up there..and the view was breath taking. The Blue Mountains were really cold..like 2 Degrees and the reflection of the clouds could be seen on the mountains. AMAZING!!! These mountains have a legendary story about 3 indegenus sister being turned into stome by a witch doctor and so when u go up there, U can see 3 huge stones shaped like a human figure. It was also a coal mine..and we got to ride a train that literally dropped at 45degrees, super cool. The boys were terrified..but I had FUN!!! And there were like waterfalls…ohhh…I miss that place la! On the way back, we stopped by a farm to have apple pie and I got to see some apple and peach trees. Yes, i know…That excites me..heheh..I cant help it..Im so Malaysian. Ohh, and I HAVE to add that I saw wild some wild black stallions running. It was beyond beauty. I love horses btw.

  The day finally begin when I went shopping. I actually dragged Anil and Lawrence with me. I must add that Im a fabulous shopper ok…I spent like very little cash on a lot of things….ok-ok..not very little la..but almost 200 aussie for gifts…but believe me..I got so many nice gifts….(I got something for u to Dezzo). That evening, I spent some time with Shireen, sipping chai tea latte and the Sydney Harbour Bridge as our backdrop and the Opera house as the view in front. It was there in all its glory…once again..I was in cloud nine! I also got to spend time with my 3rd host family..Edmund, Kendra, Nickholas and Oliver. Very nice and warm family. I was leaving on the jet plane that night..so when I slept..I thanked god for every moment..the good, the bad..the love..the experience, the miracles..the company..the friendship that He blest me with. The joy in my heart will always remain..and the warmth I felt in Australia still makes me smile even as I write this post.

  I finally know why God decided to let me attend the WYD. It changed me in many ways that I may never know. I know that my spiritual life has definitely started a new journey. God has poured out many blessings upon me and revealed many things to me. I’ve watched miracles happen before my very eyes during these 3 weeks. I’d never actually thought that I would witness all the love and receive the power. So, in the words of the man I love a lot…the Pope…I say..”Receive the Power”. Truly a great experience that I wanna share with you guys. After reading this, I do hope that you all will join me in Spain-2011. =)

-WYD 08-SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA-

-Bev-

 

  When this week started, I just knew that it would be absolutely PERFECT!! It was damn exciting to know that the rest of the Malaysian landed safely..and that meant that I could finally hang out with Nick. It was so good to have him around, it was like being with family. It was really good to be welcomed into an awesome host family. ok guys, embrace urselves…their toilet is gold plated…im serious k..no kidding. I could spend hours in the shower. They have this really huge house, loads of things, and two adorable kids. Isabel Domingues ( oh no..I forgot her husband’s name..hehe) and their two little kids. Jordan who is 11 and Eden who is 6 years old just kept entertaining me and the rest of the girls. This is where I got introduced to this super-cool game called Wii. Ish, back when I was a kid…video games were sooooooo different, now…hmmm….yeah..a whole lotta changes. All in all, this was a wonderful family which gave us all the comfort and joy that we needed.

  This week was the most fun week as the Pope had arrived. We had the opening mass in this place called Barangaroo. My whole trip in Australia was just filled with walking..and walking..and walking. So yes, we walked there…it was fun tho. As soon as I reached there, Junior called to inform me that Nick and the rest where in some-God-knows-where spot. So I happily made my way..and apparently got lost. I walked for 3o minutes not knowing where I am…the smart thing I did was to head back to where I belong. The opening mass was spectacular, with the whole stage in front of us. The mass was celebrated by the Cardinals,bishops and archbishop from Australia. Picture this, thousands of young people singing praises, praying, chanting and worshipping the Lord…it was beyond words. After the mass, there were some really good performances…and one of it was from our Malaysian-born Guy Sebastian, singing the WYD theme song. So, yes, after getting lost and looking for Nick..he finally calls and tells me where he is…and this time I found him la. It was really good to see someone from back home…believe me..it was really good. After meeting him…that’s it..I ditched my French-speaking group and hung out with Nick and the rest. My true Malaysian ppl!!

  The papal arrival was on Thursday at the same location for me. Many pilgrims where put in various locations to accomodate the crowd. I was in Barangaroo. Little did I know that I would be able to see the Holy Father-up close and personal. The whole scenario was pretty cool k..there were like men in black suits, helicopters ( about 8 of them), policemen,volunteers and dogs that were sent out to secure the area before the Pope arrived. His whole ship journey seemed like forever as we all watched in on the screens. Then, the moment that Ive been waiting for arrived, when His ship docked right in front of where I was standing. He is so so adorable ok…and His standard hand gestures where to raise his hands and smile. OMG!!! He looks like a Koala..seriosuly..so so cute. He started beaming as everybody chanted his name and then after what seemed like eternity, he got in to his papal mobile and it was driven RIGHT IN FRONT of ME!!!!! Yup, I was like 1 metre away from him. This is a moment that I’ll never ver forget and I have already decided that nothing..nothing..(not even my wedding) would replace that awesome moment. His whole aura was so overwhelming and wonderful that you could literally feel it deep in your core. Believe me when I say that no words can describe this feeling.

  My days were basically spent with Catechism early in the morning and afternoons were spent with Nick as we explored Sydney. I think I know that place like the back of my hands. One of the most memorable day was when we went to Scruffy Murphy’s..this really nice and elegant place in the heart of Sydney for some drinks. The whole evening was perfect. Wish I could turn back time, seriously miss the weather, the crazy-life, the freedom,the love and the whole atmosphere. Some serious memories there. Anyway, back to my Koala @ Pope. The day that we were all waiting for arrived…the two days at Randwick.

  All pilgrims were advised to walk to Randwick, and since me n the French were living really close to Randwick, we decided to take the bus into the city, and then the train and then embark on a 9KM walk..yes…9KM. Our route included the Sydney Harbour Bridge, Darling Harbour, Chinatown,some suburbs and then Randwick. I was serious wondering how I would be after the walk..but it was really good. I eventually got lost again as I drifted from my French group and joined the happening Americans and the Canadians..( yes dezzo…I kept thinking of U) and our journey was filled with prayer,hymns,laughter,serious conversations and more prayer. IT was worth every drop of sweat, every ache in my body! So typically, as i got there, my first mission was to loacte Nick….and once again, I took 45 minutes to do so. My French group were really way back and the lucky Malaysian were like so near the stage…and thank god, Nick had an awesome idea which was backed up by Father George to get me to where they were. That night was really very spiritual as the Vigil began. Papa Benedetto arrived looking as cute as ever, and the vigil was really very overwhelming. As I look around, I noticed young people praying so fervently that it really moved me. I lifted every prayer in my heart for each and every soul in my life. And I also prayed for something which I’ve never ever prayed for before,apparently God revealed something to me in those few days. God’s presence was felt in everything that we did. Though it was freezing cold, the night was also filled with something else..something really beautiful called love. It could be seen thru many random strangers, in their sincere smile, in their prayers,In their games,songs and dances, in the ones close to me…the whole place was blanketed with love. It may sound very cliche, but the feeling and emotions that we all felt was remarkable.

  Next morning, we got ready for the Final mass and noticed a whole bunch of people in red…and there…they JUST Had to laa!!! The spanish were happily flaunting their red t-shirts which clearly spelt out where the next WYD would be held. The final mass begin with a bang…the ‘Kyrie eleison’ was the most beautiful part. It was sung in an alto-soprano version, where the girl would sing the Kyrie, and the guy sung the intentions. Spectacular!! So beautiful! The whole mass was so moving and fruitful. At the end of it, The Pope’s exact words were………’Pilgrims…..RECEIVE THE POWER!!!!’ ( with his famous gesture)..and there were screams…me included. And He begin by saying that we should walk out into the world carrying the cross and reaching out to be a witness of the Lord. And he ended it by announcing something we already knew….but nevertheles…’The Next WYD will be in Madrid, Spain’…and all the dramatic screams again..lol.

  Life changed la after that whole week, all the spirituality, all the emotions, all the cold, all the warmth, all the chats..wow..AMAZING!! A great week that I still think about and smile!